Counselling Teenagers

Most parents learn parenting simply by doing it. Do you find yourself wondering whether you are doing the right thing for your child? Take heart. You are not alone.

I have watched my 3 children grow up and have counselled countless parents. I would like to offer some suggestions that will perhaps help you communicate with your teenager.

Cline and Fay (1992) offered an approach called "parenting with love and logic". "Love" does not mean hovering around your teens to protect them from all the rocks flung at them by the world. Neither does "love" mean tolerating outlandish, disrespectful or illegal behaviour. Rather, love means empowering teens to make their own decisions, to live with their own mistakes, and to grow through the consequences.

"Logic" centres on the consequences themselves. Most decisions and mistakes led to logical consequences. And those consequences, when accompanied by empathy and compassion for the disappointment, frustration and pain that teens experience - will drive home lessons powerfully enough to change a teen's thinking for a lifetime.

Letting children take consequences will help them to be more responsible towards making good decisions. When they make decisions to go to college, they will make good and responsible decisions.

If you have been parenting with "love and logic", it will be natural and easy to communicate your plan for your children's future. However, you must remember to empower your teens and honour their decisions.

There are a few questions that you can discuss together (not just once, but many times). I suggest that you begin to often talk to your teens regarding the following.

• What would you like to do when you grow up?
• Would you do them well?
• Where would you study to prepare yourself?
• How can we help you?

You do not need to wait until your children are 17 years old before you begin to talk to them about their future. Begin to talk to them when they are little. Put them on your lap (when they are 3 or 4 years old) and talk to them lovingly. Tell them that you believe in them and that they will contribute to this world in the days to come. Then let them tell you their dreams.

These discussions should continue as your children are growing up. However, your discussions must not take the following form. For example, these are the types of parents that you should not be.

• Helicopter parents - who will hover, rescue and protect their children no matter what. These parents will communicate that their children do not need to take consequences because their parents are always there to rescue them. Children from these families will not take responsibility for their future as well.
• Drill sergeant parents - who will bark out orders and expect their children to submit to them. These parents will communicate with their children that they never have to think for themselves and take responsibility for decisions made.

Good parenting should mean that you would take on the role of a consultant, giving advice and counsel to help your children make good and responsible decisions. You should not make decisions for them or protect them from taking responsibility for their decisions.

As a consultant, listen to your children and advise them how to maximize their potential through working on their strengths.